things you need to know before you say the magic words

“she could not make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. And when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars” -r.m drake

I am made of complicated things. Cliché as it may sound but it is the closest description I can give to myself than any possible word would suffice. I am so much capable of complicating things that are to be worn out simple. May it be from the finest details of life up to those of the big things such as love. You see, romantic love to me is foreign. And because it is something I know too little off, I have so many questions in mind that of which for a fact I know I am scared to be answered. It might freak me out. The “what ifs” that are continuously running through my head makes my mind even more twisted than it already is. So they tell me 4 words which they thought could help me get through it: give it a try. But to tell you honestly, aside from being complicated, I am also made of too many fears. And that I tell you is a very bad combo.

I have the tendency to be over dependent. I admit to the fact that it is difficult for me to do things without other people’s assistance. I can’t fully function without having someone to help me. What is even worse is much of the happiness I am getting is not on my own but through other people. And it hits me everytime I think about how incapable I am of managing my own self, my own needs and my own happiness. So the thought of going into romantic love feeds my trouble with dependency. I am afraid that I might give too much; I am afraid that my world will revolve around that one person and eventually loose myself once they’re gone. Call me selfish but I’m building walls to protect myself. And I think that is what we have all been doing.

I have a lot of issues. Out of my experiences as a psychology major and from the deep talks I have with my friends, I was able to identify some of the issues that have been bothering me, those that are really difficult to handle. So if you choose to stay with me, you have to deal with all of these and I tell you, it may be too hard for you. But despite that, I can give you the assurance that I can change because believe me I have been trying. But the question is; when?

I am only 20 years old and I for sure do not know much about life, about love. Not to mention, I don’t have any experience of it. I do not know much of myself either. But one thing I know is that staying with me feels like staying with something unpredictable. It may come to you as a surprise that at one point I am very willing to give it a try and then the next thing you know is I am about to take a detour and begin to hold back. Know that my decisions and actions surprise me as well and most of them are products of my indecision and impulse. I am telling this for you to know what you are getting yourself into. And if you find joy in understanding all these things that comes with me, then I call myself lucky. And if not, it cannot be helped. For I think love involves a lot of choices to be made. And if you want to be with me, I want it to be a choice you did whole heartedly. I want it to be a choice you freely made without the demand of anyone or anything. I want you to choose without any pressure. It has to be the choice to be with me not because you need to, and not because I need you to, but because you want to.

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