“she could not make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. And when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars” -r.m drake
I am made of complicated things. Cliché as it may sound but it is the closest description I can give to myself than any possible word would suffice. I am so much capable of complicating things that are to be worn out simple. May it be from the finest details of life up to those of the big things such as love. You see, romantic love to me is foreign. And because it is something I know too little off, I have so many questions in mind that of which for a fact I know I am scared to be answered. It might freak me out. The “what ifs” that are continuously running through my head makes my mind even more twisted than it already is. So they tell me 4 words which they thought could help me get through it: give it a try. But to tell you honestly, aside from being complicated, I am also made of too many fears. And that I tell you is a very bad combo.
I have the tendency to be over dependent. I admit to the fact that it is difficult for me to do things without other people’s assistance. I can’t fully function without having someone to help me. What is even worse is much of the happiness I am getting is not on my own but through other people. And it hits me everytime I think about how incapable I am of managing my own self, my own needs and my own happiness. So the thought of going into romantic love feeds my trouble with dependency. I am afraid that I might give too much; I am afraid that my world will revolve around that one person and eventually loose myself once they’re gone. Call me selfish but I’m building walls to protect myself. And I think that is what we have all been doing.
I have a lot of issues. Out of my experiences as a psychology major and from the deep talks I have with my friends, I was able to identify some of the issues that have been bothering me, those that are really difficult to handle. So if you choose to stay with me, you have to deal with all of these and I tell you, it may be too hard for you. But despite that, I can give you the assurance that I can change because believe me I have been trying. But the question is; when?
I am only 20 years old and I for sure do not know much about life, about love. Not to mention, I don’t have any experience of it. I do not know much of myself either. But one thing I know is that staying with me feels like staying with something unpredictable. It may come to you as a surprise that at one point I am very willing to give it a try and then the next thing you know is I am about to take a detour and begin to hold back. Know that my decisions and actions surprise me as well and most of them are products of my indecision and impulse. I am telling this for you to know what you are getting yourself into. And if you find joy in understanding all these things that comes with me, then I call myself lucky. And if not, it cannot be helped. For I think love involves a lot of choices to be made. And if you want to be with me, I want it to be a choice you did whole heartedly. I want it to be a choice you freely made without the demand of anyone or anything. I want you to choose without any pressure. It has to be the choice to be with me not because you need to, and not because I need you to, but because you want to.
Fear was the feeling that overpowered the day I stepped into the grounds of my school on the first day of class. I did not have much idea what this whole ‘college’ thing was. All I just have in mind is that I have to go through it, graduate and get things done. The transition from high school to college wasn’t even that smooth. I still remember at some point when I was in my first year where I questioned if I will be able to control myself given this huge amount of freedom from doing things and whether will I be able to fully adjust with this kind of environment which is totally new to me.
And then fear was eventually replaced with confidence. As I continued my studies, I did not just acquire learning on the basis of a classroom set up, but more to that, I was able to build myself up. One of the things that I’m grateful about college is it pushed me to my limits which made way for me to discover a lot of things about myself. I was able to recognize a different version of myself, that of which I haven’t thought of. It made me see my potentials and built the inner confidence and belief in myself that I am able to do great things in life.
College has given me so much to remember and the thought that it just ended cringes my heart the more I think about it. More to the knowledge I acquire, which I will forever thank my mentors (teachers) for, I met certain people who made me change my views about the world. And for sure I will remember these people. If there’s one thing I’d like to thank college for, it is the opportunity to know my real friends. The ones who helped me carry my shit together because they won’t let me do it alone. The ones who never judged me and my decisions instead they supported me, but of course a slap of reality is always ready when I need it the most. The ones who I know will always be there for me. And they occupy a huge portion in my heart, that of which I am truly grateful for. They made my life even more wonderful by just being in it.
Now that the real world is knocking on my door, I will surely miss college. I will miss the corridors where I used to spend most of my free time in between breaks chit-chatting with my friends. I will miss the four walled classrooms that witnessed all the tricks and tactics I maneuvered just to pass an exam. I will miss all the bad ass behaviors I used to do just because I want to make the most out of being in school. I will miss everything, the reckless behaviors and all the crazy shenanigans in between. But most especially I will miss every person I used to spend my everyday with.
Just when most of the people who just graduated is now thinking about their future, here I am still holding on to these college adventures that in any moment, given the chance I’d love to go back to.
I don’t want to say you complete me because, well, you don’t. I don’t think anyone needs to be ‘completed’ by another person. I’m perfectly fine on my own.
But I’m not going to lie, you definitely fill in some empty spaces. And I’m really grateful for that.
All those gestures are endearing and sincerity is never questioned. It overwhelms me though, that you care too much. It frightens me still, knowing that my mind splutters pistol shots and my heart is indecisive of what it wants.
Sometimes it hits me that there will be so many things that I wont remember in 50 years. Like how the way the sky looked in the morning, the places I went to, all the interesting people I saw and how amazing this day was. I get so sad, I never want to forget.
You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.